Going Home

I haven't written in a year. By today, so many things had happened that to recount everything will take too long, make me into a blubbering mess, and besides, no words can encompass how much and how far God has taken me in just this year's journey. Just that it had been... unbelievable, indescribable, and most of all, impossible to attain if I tried it by myself. But God has been so amazingly great this year that I am not able to recognize the last girl who had written here, who wanted a bald head and a tatt. Maybe this girl still wants that, but maybe she's still asking God if doing it will glorify His name or if it's just crazy. Heehee.

They say a person is completely different physically every six months, when cells regenerate/replenish or whatever it is that cells do (have I not learned anything from my nurse/doctor friends?). Skin deep, I feel totally same as before, and last time I looked in the mirror I still don't look so much like a rockstar. But that doesn't really mean anything to me now. You know how it feels when it seems like you've done something that's so fulfilling that you feel like you can die any moment and it will feel sweet? I do. I'm not afraid to die, and this is not in a brutal, depressing picture of dying with folks telling me to cut it out and stop talking about death. I feel like...I've failed and repented so many times this year and God met me at weak moments and joyful moments every day that the thought of dying is okay. Going home is okay. Being in His arms is okay. Because this moment, right now, I yearn for that, to be in God's arms. Now, I'm not saying this because I'm namamaalam or doing something stupid or dropping a huuge bomb that's something like "I'm sick"...no. I'm saying this because yes, I feel like this right now but I know that my work for God is only starting, that there are more mountains to bring down and more lands and territories and hearts to reach. That next year, if I write about it, it would be even more amazing because I will be spilling more tears and shouting out even more praises because I believe that God will bring me through so much more. That I yearn to be with God is not because of exhaustion but more so of...this expectant joy that to be with Him is so much more than the joy I feel right now. So imagining being with Jesus finally, oh wow. I'm excited to see Him. But I'm also excited to see what He has in store for me, for my family, for my friends and their families, for the country, for the world. I'm excited to see how He will be undeniably real in this broken world. So I'm not going home yet. But I'm taking every step closer there everyday. Until then, I won't go back to how it was.:]

(Ps. Sorry if I creep anyone out. This is really how my mind works...so if you just met me recently/I've been given the honor to lead you/you just stumbled upon this really crazy blog, please excuse my weird tendencies.:P)